Lately I have been feeling really down and negative about my life. I am struggling to keep sane and stay a float in the vast ocean that is adulthood. Im desperately seeking ways to better my thought process, positivity, and my reactions to how things affect me.
I know the kind of person I've been lately is not the me I know. It is a hopeless and weak individual that just can't seem to push himself a little more to make it through the day.
I am sad that since 2008 I've been painting, creating, and dreaming alone. Living in New Orleans, I missed out on so many opportunities on just growing and living in my early 20s. I lived on a Military base with my father and he was always working or out. I personally worked my first job at the Exchange but I had a very little social life. I didn't have a car so I couldn't leave and explore and get to know the places I visited a few times my whole 2 years there. I didn't have many opportunities to make friends or get my art out there in front of people. Social Media like Twitter and Facebook helped but its all I had, no art friends, not many friends but a few and even I was still depressed cause I wanted to do these things alone. Drive myself down town and get to know New Orleans more, the experiences that just seem like distant memories. No sparkle any more when I reflect about them.
No organic feeling of others to inspire me and connect with. The energy of fellow artists, like the kind I had in Art Class back in High School.
Being alone messes with your mind severely and not having a way out other than my two feet on a Military Base I couldn't even leave off of cause I wasn't a dependent anymore made it worse. I had at least one major mental break down that resulted in me destroying a handful of drawings I had done and also some not so good art, I particularly tore up because I knew I didn't want to hurt the good art Id done. I felt so alone and damaged I didn't know what else to think or do. Having a job made it better but still didn't help change my feelings of loneliness.
There was a period of time on and off I found myself jobless after Louisiana. My father and I up and left to Harlingen, Tx. I had yet another bout of feelings of loneliness and no life especially around the winter/fall season. I was suffering major cabin fever and the the city had a really bad freeze that year. Ice every where and the electricity had gone out on the whole street, maybe even the neighborhood. My head was tight and tingly. My thoughts were dark and unhappy around that short period of time.
Things did change when I guess my life started to unfold more as time went on. I wasn't alone for I had started to make friends and started to live. I had my first boyfriend and it was a time that made me happy. I wasn't alone, and I was on my way, slowly but surely to getting my life on track as a young adult, I was 22. My relationship did prove to be a problem since I dove head first into which later resulted in longer problems for he and I both. I was to weak and very dependent on him, he was too immature, selfish and not all there in life.
Jobs were scarce for me and since I had no car I had to make do with what was around me in walking distance. Plus my boyfriend at the time had a car so he became my transportation and we spent most of our time together which did keep me from doing the important things I needed to do. Like job hunting, learning to drive, and getting art done on my own with worrying if what I had painted he would like.
We'd break up at least more than 5 times in a year or two? He was 19 when I met him and now he's 22. I made the decision to leave after our last break up. I wasn't happy in The Valley anymore. He broke my heart to many times, I lost touch with my friends that I made because of the relationship, my art career was trucking along but suffering. I STILL didn't know how to drive and had a car but it didn't work what so-ever and my father was to busy fix it, his plate being way to full.
I needed to get away and I felt it was time to come back home to Houston. To start over and reconnect with people I knew and concentrate on myself. Of course coming back was difficult, I had to deal with leaving my ex and then the feelings of wanting to go back to him many times. Which I had almost left a few times cause I was suffering here and wanted to give up and go back to something I felt was "comfortable." Though I knew it wasn't right, we wouldn't work out and tried long distance but It would never be the same and to many problems rose up. Our bond was broken, I knew the right thing to do was to do what I had to make myself happy and that was to go where Id have a better chance with life as an artist.
I know what sort of man I am. I am a strong, loving, happy, good hearted man that knows right from wrong that is kind to others and has good morals, a goal in life he is making come true, who has been working hard to make his dreams come true . . . its just the past few months I feel I have slowly fallen a part and lost some of those traits. Struggling to find a good job, that pays well so I can pay rent, get my dental work taken care of, go to the Dr and get new glasses, contacts and be able to provide for myself, comfortably.
Im desperately trying to cling on to the man I know I am and the better man I know I can be because I've seen him before, I know he's in there. He's just a little hurt and has to just pull himself up . . . nobody else will do it for him . . .
I don't want to give up. I can't afford to really, I've my Art and the people it inspires to keep in mind not give up on life and become the cliche-tragique-Artiste.
I feel better that the words have come together but I've still got to get it together.
-Xavier
I can relate to so much of what you're describing; the loneliness and dependence you have on those you love. Moving away, losing friends and not being able to establish new ones nor have a social life, which is a cycle you become trapped within. I rely on social media and talking through my own blog for my social life, in all honesty. I live with my fiance of 15 years who I got with when I was 17 and overcoming an assault. I grew up into an adult dependent not on myself and thought I was happy being alone without friends. I eventually did push myself to get jobs, learn to drive and become the person I really am, and having an identity is crucial. We lose ourselves. When we struggle with money, social scenes and living lives we didn't imagine, it becomes a depressingly enclosed place. On Monday, when you wrote this, I tried to commit suicide. My moods are up and down and unreliable. Whilst you may not feel suicidal, I completely feel where you're coming from. I was thinking today how I don't engage in what I used to love doing, and I think that's key. It's so good you still have your art, which I haven't yet, is so freaking amazing! These are the bits we need to keep alive within ourselves, especially through periods of time we're most alone and confused.
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry to have a late reply to you. I do hope you are okay, I sympathize completely with you and how it feels, of course from what you read and in your reply you to know what its like.
DeleteI have to wonder what happened the day you tried to commit suicide? I hope you are okay since then and Im sorry again for not checking my emails to see if anyone even replied to anything I posted, Im so used to just writing things and sending them off into cyber space and not think anyone will see them but at the same time hoping someone would see and relate maybe. I included my email in my last response and Ill do the same here, email me if you need a friend to talk to. I hope you are well and Thank you for your comments.
-Xavier Email: garzapinups@gmail.com