The awkwardness ...

Dear Friends and Family,

Have you ever been in a situation where you are living with someone who has offered you a place to stay or room for rent and things happen in life that are the little tests that you hear about in life.

There is an awkwardness in the home Im staying in. I haven't paid rent for a total of four months. The first two months were when I made an agreement with the manager of Forever 21 that instead of putting in my two weeks notice I could go ahead and leave.

I left Forever 21 for the management had been playing favorites with employees. We are supposed to put our time-off requests about two weeks in advance for any time off we would like or days off, etc.
Well I put my paper work in about 4 weeks in advance, I figured its plenty of time for them to know Id be leaving for about a week out of town in September.

When time boils down and Ive bought my ticket and everything, I see the knew schedules were put out and I see that Im scheduled to work the week I asked for off. She boasted how its because she was a favorite and I agreed that there was no doubt that was true with many of the employees with in that store. So I had to decide if I was going to miss out on my trip or stay and suffer.

I told the management what the situation was and how I felt it was un-fare that I put my paper work for time off in a reasonable amount of time. She put hers in for the lesser amount of time and still got the time off she asked for. They responded with, "..well we approved your time but I guess we lost the papers, or lost the paper requesting your time off."

With past jobs Ive had, management always came to us to discuss our time off and if there would be any scheduling conflicts that interfered they'd work it out with us.

Upon coming back from my trip I had to begin the grueling work of Job Hunting again. Forever 21 said I was considered Re-Hireable telling me I was a good worker and that I could get my job back. I tried to apply for it again but was told I had to wait 3 months before applying again. When the tree months was up I tried again and she refused my application saying, "Im sorry Im going to have to decline your application. You last weeks were really bad, you kept calling in, you were late. I just don't think its in our best interest to accept your application."

I never had my last two weeks.

So about two months later I finally got a job at Kohl's. I was hired as Seasonal, I got paid 7.25 and had great responses from customers and all but one of the managers. I had begun working in early November and I was happy that I got to work on register. As time went on I was told Id probably be asked to stay and that Id move up from Seasonal to a "regular employee."

That wasn't the case what so ever. January the 3rd, a Friday. I realized I wasn't on the new schedule for the upcoming week. I thought maybe its because of an error. It was only the 3rd and we were told told between the 10th or the 20th we would be told if were going to stay with in the company or be let go.

I asked one of our new managers if he knew what my schedule was since I wasn't in the schedule book. I didn't expect him to really know much about it since he was new and he wasn't in charge of the putting the schedules together. So he suggested I wait till Monday to see what was up since there weren't any other managers working that day.

So on Saturday I called and with my luck The Dreadful Manager Lady picked up the phone. I told her that I was calling to find out my schedule since my name wasn't in the book and I wanted to know when my next day to come in was.
She replied, "Oh your not the only one, but I will make note and I will call you back before the end of the day."

Cut to around the evening and no reply. I was enjoying my day off really like anyone else would but still it was in the back of mind, Your Job.

I figured she wasn't going to call me back so I called her back and she said she was calling the store manager since he was off and he hadn't replied. "I will call you back."
Sunday rolls around and nothing, I figured I didn't have to work sunday since nobody called me to say, "Hey where are you? You were scheduled today, are you running late?" Nope nothing.
I did the same on Monday, nothing till I called around noon to see what was the deal.

Come to find out that I was let go and nobody felt the need to let me know that my time was up or that this would be my last week. I finally got a hold of our store manager and he told me that he had no phone calls nor any messages from The Dreadful Manager Lady. She basically flat-out lied to me.

He apologized for her actions and said I could re apply again but I wouldn't want to work there if she was under management.

alas my job hunting would begin and depression would set in. Cold, rain, hot, windy… sweaty, hungry, happy and charming to my customers.

I am at Macy's now and after a few weeks that felt like forever, I have my set schedule that begins next week and I don't have to work one day a week anymore. I do have hopes that it will all get better but it just has really sucked lately. Ive been looking for a second job to bring in more money pay rent, which is 400 a month for a small room in this woman's house. For January and February I only paid 100 for each month.

I did my best to push myself and look for another job regardless of the weather but its like those factors don't matter to her . . .
I would get depressed for a week or two would go by and id be stuck inside due to the weather. Its like you think I'm not trying but cmon, Id have more of chance getting a job if I had a car instead of a Bicycle. Then I wake up on a rainy day and feel guilty cause another day passes by and thats a day I could be working and money coming in for rent.

I hear theres a letter coming to my door about being "evicted" but thats only through the grapevine. This is the second time she has gone to others to discuss my financial situation and have others tell me I need to find a job quick or bring in 100 or Im out in two weeks.
She has had plenty of time to come to me and talk to me, Ive brought it up to her saying, "Im sorry for being so behind on rent the past few months." She just says to keep it up, call em back, go here, go there….

I dont wanna sound like Im whining like a baby about things, maybe I am? My life could be worse. But am I not trying hard enough? I knew Id have to wait for my name to be in the schedule system for Macys. It finally is now, just had to wait 3-4weeks. I told her that but she sees it as they're cheating me on work, and I should find another job so I can bring in rent.

-xavier

Day 2 …

Dear friends and Family,

I really have nothing to say but part of the "30 Day Positivity Challenge" is to Journal things.
So here I am sitting in my room, listening to the rain outside my window and I have a headache type feeling in back of my head and along the back of my neck. A tingly, tight feeling. Not exactly tingly but prickly.

Today I woke up fine. Until I realized that this day was grey and would be just as the others. Im reminded that I don't have a car and I can't go downtown to the Gay bars and see my "Friends" which I so desperately wish to be apart of. To see the drag shows and to paint the beautiful performers and dance and have a good time and talk to people Ive only met once or twice or have only carried a conversation with via Facebook . . . Im reminded that I am here in friends wood. riding my bike to work in the wind, rain and sometimes cold. The heat when its that time of year again.

I realize it tuesday and that one of the free days at the museum or the zoo .. . and I could be down there by myself just enjoying the day. peacefully . . .

If only someone in my family cared enough to teach me to drive and to give me a vehicle . Instead of giving cars to my sister who just destroyed them. 4 vehicles to be exact.

For years Ive dreamed up a life I want and haven't lived because Ive been alone and carless and neglected . . my heart is breaking and tears are in my eyes and Im about to head across the street to my best friend danielles house because I feel so helpless and numb that I need to be with someone tonight so Im not alone and feeling crazy in my room,

tommorrow I don't not work and the week maybe rainy so I hear and I dread the gloom that will be over.

I know to be strong, an inner instinct is telling me to not be alone tonight. Go see Danielle . .

Things will have to get better won't they?


Today Im great full for my sight, my sense of humor which you all may know and Danielle. If she didn't live across the street I don't what Id do.

Ps Don't worry to much Im making plans to see a specialist about my the way Ive been feeling to help balance and make sense of it all.

goodnight
-Xavier

30 Day Positivity Challenge

Dearest Friends and Family,

If you've read the previous blog entry about my acknowledging my mental health the past few months than you know that I will be sharing what I hope to be something healthy for myself and to others if they come across these entries.

Last night before writing up "Where has he gone?" I was aching for something to fuel and jumpstart my brain. Netflix is a wonderful way to entertain yourself, lord knows Ive gotten through many seasons of my favorite shows in just one night and that can be an interesting experience when you put your mind to it . . lol My favorites are "New Girl," "30 Rock," "Arrested Development," and "American Horror Story."

Though my favorite shows aren't able to cure the unease my mind has enveloped around itself I needed something to refresh it. I decided to watch "TED Talks." Motivational speakers that discuss many things on a simplistic level but very poignant in delivery… at this moment that sentence spilled out of me and Ive never used simplistic and poignant and I hope I used them correctly lol

One such TED Talk that inspired me had a challenge for its audience or anyone watching that required 21 Days to exert as many positive acts one can do daily. I wrote them down and felt that this was a start.

So I tweaked it a bit and dubbed it "The 30 Day Positivity Challenge." Which includes the following acts performed DAILY.
 1, 3 Gratitudes, expressing what you are great full for in life and who you are grateful for as well.
 2, Journaling, writing about something positive that has happened in your day.
 3, Exercise, we all know that after exercising we feel so much better about ourselves. The endorphins we release are known for making us happy and feel good, which results in being confident, healthy and happy.
 4, Meditation, taking time to meditate for a few mins can do wonders and it helps to balance your body and mind.
 5, Random Acts of kindness, send a Thank you email, or write to someone telling them how much you appreciate them. Open the door for people. Smile at people, give compliments. Help someone in need, join a charity group. Knowing that you're doing such nice things for others will make you feel good.

Those five steps are what I hope to be building blocks I can put back in place or add to in my life at this time.

For Starters here are the 3 things Im grateful for:

1, My Talent.
Ive been very lucky in that I have no real attachments in life to hold me back or down. No kids, not married, no family around me. My Mother says Ive the world in the palm of my hand. Something I take for granted I guess. I've the freedom to do what I love and that is to paint. A gift that I shouldn't be selfish with and keep away from those I know are inspired by it.

2, Im great full for the gifts my Uncles Milo and Steve have given me.
A laptop to work on and keep me entertained, a way to communicate with others and to share my art with as well. Also my new planner, which has a pinup girl for every day of the week. Art by Gil Elvgren. Last but not least Uncle Milo and his wisdom. I can't explain how it works but he does understand a lot of what Im going through, he was once in my shoes. So it means a lot to hear what he has to say about life. Thank you.

3, Im grateful for TEDTalks. With out them Id have no real way to learn to help myself. I don't exactly have money for a professional to help me so TEDTalks are the next best thing!

Ps: Ive misspelled Grateful a lot and I hope the Grammar Police don't judge me. Didn't catch it till the last sentence.
#Derp

-Xavier

Where has he gone?

Dear Friends,

Lately I have been feeling really down and negative about my life. I am struggling to keep sane and stay a float in the vast ocean that is adulthood. Im desperately seeking ways to better my thought process, positivity, and my reactions to how things affect me. 

I know the kind of person I've been lately is not the me I know. It is a hopeless and weak individual that just can't seem to push himself a little more to make it through the day. 

I am sad that since 2008 I've been painting, creating, and dreaming alone. Living in New Orleans, I missed out on so many opportunities on just growing and living in my early 20s. I lived on a Military base with my father and he was always working or out. I personally worked my first job at the Exchange but I had a very little social life. I didn't have a car so I couldn't leave and explore and get to know the places I visited a few times my whole 2 years there. I didn't have many opportunities to make friends or get my art out there in front of people. Social Media like Twitter and Facebook helped but its all I had, no art friends, not many friends but a few and even I was still depressed cause I wanted to do these things alone. Drive myself down town and get to know New Orleans more, the experiences that just seem like distant memories. No sparkle any more when I reflect about them.

No organic feeling of others to inspire me and connect with. The energy of fellow artists, like the kind I had in Art Class back in High School.

Being alone messes with your mind severely and not having a way out other than my two feet on a Military Base I couldn't even leave off of cause I wasn't a dependent anymore made it worse. I had at least one major mental break down that resulted in me destroying a handful of drawings I had done and also some not so good art, I particularly tore up because I knew I didn't want to hurt the good art Id done. I felt so alone and damaged I didn't know what else to think or do. Having a job made it better but still didn't help change my feelings of loneliness. 

There was a period of time on and off I found myself jobless after Louisiana. My father and I up and left to Harlingen, Tx. I had yet another bout of feelings of loneliness and no life especially around the winter/fall season. I was suffering major cabin fever and the the city had a really bad freeze that year. Ice every where and the electricity had gone out on the whole street, maybe even the neighborhood. My head was tight and tingly. My thoughts were dark and unhappy around that short period of time. 

Things did change when I guess my life started to unfold more as time went on. I wasn't alone for I had started to make friends and started to live. I had my first boyfriend and it was a time that made me happy. I wasn't alone, and I was on my way, slowly but surely to getting my life on track as a young adult, I was 22. My relationship did prove to be a problem since I dove head first into which later resulted in longer problems for he and I both. I was to weak and very dependent on him, he was too immature, selfish and not all there in life. 

Jobs were scarce for me and since I had no car I had to make do with what was around me in walking distance. Plus my boyfriend at the time had a car so he became my transportation and we spent most of our time together which did keep me from doing the important things I needed to do. Like job hunting, learning to drive, and getting art done on my own with worrying if what I had painted he would like. 

We'd break up at least more than 5 times in a year or two? He was 19 when I met him and now he's 22. I made the decision to leave after our last break up. I wasn't happy in The Valley anymore. He broke my heart to many times, I lost touch with my friends that I made because of the relationship, my art career was trucking along but suffering. I STILL didn't know how to drive and had a car but it didn't work what so-ever and my father was to busy fix it, his plate being way to full. 

I needed to get away and I felt it was time to come back home to Houston. To start over and reconnect with people I knew and concentrate on myself. Of course coming back was difficult, I had to deal with leaving my ex and then the feelings of wanting to go back to him many times. Which I had almost left a few times cause I was suffering here and wanted to give up and go back to something I felt was "comfortable." Though I knew it wasn't right, we wouldn't work out and tried long distance but It would never be the same and to many problems rose up. Our bond was broken, I knew the right thing to do was to do what I had to make myself happy and that was to go where Id have a better chance with life as an artist. 

I know what sort of man I am. I am a strong, loving, happy, good hearted man that knows right from wrong that is kind to others and has good morals, a goal in life he is making come true, who has been working hard to make his dreams come true . . . its just the past few months I feel I have slowly fallen a part and lost some of those traits. Struggling to find a good job, that pays well so I can pay rent, get my dental work taken care of, go to the Dr and get new glasses, contacts and be able to provide for myself, comfortably. 

Im desperately trying to cling on to the man I know I am and the better man I know I can be because I've seen him before, I know he's in there. He's just a little hurt and has to just pull himself up . . . nobody else will do it for him . . . 

I don't want to give up. I can't afford to really, I've my Art and the people it inspires to keep in mind not give up on life and become the cliche-tragique-Artiste. 

I feel better that the words have come together but I've still got to get it together. 

-Xavier 

Starting over.

Dear Me,


I am beginning my new life, I set out on this journey in mid February. What was only to be a possible two week visit turned into a permanent stay. When I tried for months to get a job in Harlingen at Forever 21, nothing. I was in town not even a week and I get the job.
I have been staying with my best friend, she helped with deciding what was the most logical step after my whirlwind relationship ended and I was deeply afraid of making the same mistakes again. I wanted to, truly in heart I wanted to stay with him   but I just couldn't give myself the chance. I couldn't let myself down, the dreams, goals and new things I saw and expected for myself. The thought of going back just made me feel disappointed, and I was sad at the idea of me being the one to take away my own happiness. As much as I missed him, us, and his family. I dont miss the way I was treated. The constant heartache, the hopelessness, the tears, wishing and  hoping he would come to his marvelous senses and then we could fix what was broken. It never happened, for two months, I knew exactly what I had to do, make plans to leave. As time crept closer, I continued to pray he was going to show up at my door step and finally tell me all I had needed to hear. Sadly, I wish I was making that up. Every day and night, teary eyed and heart broken hoping I would see him pull into my drive way, or walk right in come to me and say, "Im sorry."

Nothing. cut to a week before I leave. He had, shall I even call it perfect timing? Deep down inside I knew it would all play out the way it did. It took me having to leave for him to realize everything he had, who I was to him. I was a loving, caring, and honorable man to him. I loved him greatly and deeply, my heart was his. He took it for granted so many times.

Im happier now then I was then. I've a second chance at life, and it's scary and exciting. The starting over process is hard now for what I can tell and see. I'm okay with it though, a little hard work pays off. I know alot about hard work, I remember Michael always telling me, "You need to suffer a little, you haven't suffered enough." I'd like him to live my life from growing up and having your family fall apart, split and pending divorce, starting in 2003-2008, 2008 when I set out on my art career, all the way through when I met him then how our relationship ended, to today. Ive "suffered" enough. With him I had something I was looking for I felt I lost with in my own family. I couldn't depend on him anymore, nothing was stable. Now I can do that for myself, and it feels good doing it all for me.

Lana Del Rey

Since coming to know of Lana Del Rey and her music I was determined to paint her. She is, visually a well put together creation with which I draw inspiration from. I love vintage things and old timey gals, she sorta reaks old Hollywood Glam not to mention she seems to always be dolled up in 60s gear. I love 1960s girls. So with that being said ... which was some of my brain letting loose lol ... I've begun a conquest to create a pinup of LDR. It was tough, she has a very sculpted face and very delicate features all in one. I first thought it'd be easy to draw her. As I realized it was not all fun and games. Months passed and I haven't really given up, I have finally a completed a water color study and pencil piece. 
The images below are pretty much the development of the idea. Hope it is enjoyed.

Some new stuff!!

So its been a while since I shared anything, been busy with some life changing events. As well as a new job. Here's some stuff to keep yall happy ...